Things I Feel Guilty About/Transcript


 * Jaiden: (at confession) Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. (Ari appears) You know how in my last video, I said I was an obedient child who never stepped out of line or broke rules growing up? I wasn't lying, but I do have things I've secretly carried on my shoulders for a long time and still feel arguably guilty about to this day. This video isn't just for your entertainment. It's gonna serve as me clearing my conscience and finally being free from these chains of guilt. Also, don't get your hopes up. None of these stories involve murder. Sorry I didn't kill anyone. Every once in a while growing up, my dad would let us sit in front of the television while we ate dinner. That would be a special treat for my brother and me, because Mom wasn't home from work yet and she didn't let us watch TV during the week. This is when we were really young by the way, don't worry. I'm allowed to eat in front of the TV at least three days a week now. We were eating in front of the TV one night and I wanted to have chips for dessert. Our dinner rules were always, "Eat dinner and then get a little treat or dessert afterwards." And I wanted chips, everyone's favorite dessert. So my dad got the bag of chips and normally my parents poured us bowls, but there wasn't much left so he just gave me the whole bag and said:
 * Dad: Don't eat them all.
 * Jaiden: He got two cool parent points that day. It was going good so far, eating chips in front of the TV. (the "This is the height of luxury!" clip plays with Jaiden's animated face over John Mulaney's face) I looked down, and I'd ate all the chips.
 * Young Jaiden: Dang it!! What do I do? My dad gave me one rule, my parents are never going to trust me ever again, they're going to disown me, my life is over, I'm going to be living in a box in the side of the road and I'll have to search trash cans for chips, I might as well pack my things and get a head start right now.
 * Jaiden: I started to panic and my little kid brain started racing to think of some sort of way to avoid punishment.
 * Young Jaiden: A RAT!! A giant rat BURST through the door, SLAPPED the bag out of my hand, ate all the chips, and ESCAPED out the window! And also, stole an extra cookie on its way out. No, they wouldn't believe that. I don't think rats eat chips.
 * Jaiden: Jax finished eating early and went in the backyard to play, so what I ended up doing was going:
 * Young Jaiden: Jax, do you want some chips?
 * Jaiden: And I gave him the empty bag, then I went over to my dad and said:
 * Young Jaiden: Dad, I have something to tell you. I'm sorry. Jax ate all the chips.
 * Jaiden: And I went into my room and hid. I really don't think my brother got into any trouble because I didn't hear anything about it and my dad probably just threw the bag away. But since I never got caught or come clean, I've held this guilt about that whole situation ever since. There's layers to it! Not only did I lie to my dad and falsely accuse my brother, but on top of it all, I gave Jax an empty bag of chips. A perfect little regret cherry on the ice cream sundae of shame. And I really think that when my dad and brother watch this video they'll be like:
 * Dad and Jax: I don't remember this at all.
 * Jaiden: Because I want to say it was like thirteen years ago, which makes me feeling guilty even more pointless and stupid, because it doesn't even matter and no one cares and I'm the only one suffering from it. This is a pretty effective way to learn a lesson. I've never finished a bag of chips since that day. One time, I was at recess in second grade playing by myself in the grass. You know, like a FRICKIN' LOSER! This group of girls came up to me and said:
 * Girl: Hey, we're playing tag and chasing the boys. You should help us.
 * Jaiden: And I was like:
 * Young Jaiden: Welp, beats sitting here and getting eaten by ants.
 * Jaiden: So I started running around and chasing the boys with the rest of the kids. It was all normal tag at first, but somehow is started escalating to EXTREME TAG! Extreme as in....people started throwing rocks. Being a self conscious child who had no understand of personal choices, I was like:
 * Young Jaiden: Oh, well I guess we're doing this now.
 * Jaiden: So I throw a rock and hit this kid in the back of the head. Which, MAY i add, took some top notch skill and coordination, considering we were both running and he was a good distance away from me. Not to brag or anything.
 * Boy: OW!! I'M TELLING!
 * Jaiden: Oh, frick. I watched this kid start running off to tell a teacher and I knew I had to think of something fast. And don't tell me I should have just stood there and faced the consequences of my actions. You know as a kid, you wouldn't have done that. This only works if we're all honest with ourselves here. The first thing I could think of was to go hide in the bathroom, because everyone knows, teachers can't burst into kids using bathroom stalls. That is definitely illegal and weird. I camped out in the girls' bathroom until I heard the recess whistle and went back to class. Obviously, the teacher was told what happened, I couldn't have run away from that, so I still got in trouble. But the guilt trip doesn't end THERE! The teacher told me I wasn't allowed to go to recess tomorrow, which is reasonable. I can own up to that punishment. But she also said I needed to write a letter to my parents telling them what I did. I don't know what pushed me to do this, because I always did what grownups said. But something in my head told me:
 * Devil Jaiden: You're NOT writing that letter.
 * Jaiden: And so I didn't. Later that day the teacher came up to me and asked:
 * Teacher: Did you write the letter?
 * Young Jaiden: Yes. Please don't ask to see it, please don't ask to see it.....
 * Teacher: Mmm... Good!
 * Jaiden: And so my parents never found out. Until right now. In this video. Please don't ground me, Mom and Dad. I don't know the statute of limitations of throwing rocks at little boys, but it's been eight years. I think I'm safe. I'm not really guilt about this next story, but it's resonated within me for a very long time so I'm going to add it to this video. One late night, I was on the couch playing my Gameboy, and it was very much past my bedtime. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I was probably pushing it with wanting to stay up a bit longer and my mom was in my room telling me I needed to go to bed. It got to the point where she pulled the:
 * Mom: I'm gonna count to three, and you better have the living room cleaned up, and be in bed, OR ELSE!!!
 * Jaiden: Everyone knows counting to three means serious business. So I sprung up and immediately started getting my crap together. The thing was, the ottoman was pushed out and normally it's supposed to be against the couch, so I had to push it back. But being a scrawny five year old the size of a poodle meant it was probably equivalent to trying to push a semi-truck. I kept pushing and pushing with all my strength as I heard my mom in the background going:
 * Mom: One!... Two!!..
 * Jaiden: Eventually, I just crumbled to the ground in defeat and started crying, and my mom found me on the floor curled up next to the ottoman. I felt guilty I couldn't move the ottoman. But hey, you don't need to feel bad for me, look at me now. (pushes the ottoman a great distance with just one kick) Yeah, it's pretty inspiring.

End-card

 * Jaiden: So yeah, those are the things my brain flashes back to when I'm wanting to feel guilty. For the record, I have not thrown at anyone else ever since. I've got a pretty good "thrown rocks" to "not thrown rocks" ratio going on. Also, thank you to everybody who has been sending me happy birthday messages, that was very nice of you. You can see here I'm trying to squish in as much art as I can because I got so much it's crazy. Watch this. And with the power of editing, boosh! Two conveyor belts of art! Woah-ho-ho! Look at 'em all! Sliding across the screen like they've got somewhere to be. See you later little buddies. Thank you for drawing me things. It's awesome and I like it a lot. My birthday is September 27th, so a couple days ago. I'm 20 now. Did I do anything? Uhh...no. I'm not the biggest person on doing or planning things for my birthday. For some reason, I feel selfish celebrating it. It's... I don't know, my brain's weird. I know that thought process is kind of ridiculous, and I love celebrating other people's birthdays. I just have trouble celebrating me. But some of my friends got me gifts and made me feel special, so that's nice of them. Anyway, thanks for watching the videos. I'm 20 now, I'll talk to you later, I'm hanging up now, bye.